I officially came out of the proverbial closet in my late twenties. I’d known for a few years that I was attracted to men and had even been dating a man for a while, yet somehow my fears and insecurities kept me from being honest about it with my friends and family or at work.
I was lucky; when I did tell family, every single one of them accepted it; when I told my friends, they did too – except one (and that was OK, we weren’t that close anyway). In my last corporate job, I worked for a company where diversity was welcomed, and it was an absolute non-issue.
And so I wondered how it was that 10 years after I ‘came out’ (what an interesting phrase!), I was still sometimes embarrassed to check into a hotel with my partner or hold his hand in public. For me it was even worse than that – I felt really (I mean, really) uncomfortable when I was around GLBT groups to the point that I was unable to enter a gay coffee-shop or club without the most extreme shame and self-consciousness (if I could get myself to go in all!)
I’d spent years and a serious amount of money on all sorts of therapy around this ‘issue’ and yet at 42 years old, I still found myself unable to relax in a predominantly GLBT environment.
This was a little embarrassing for someone who specialises in helping other people to live fuller lives!
At the same time I was aware of this deep longing within me to be more involved within the GLBT community – I just could not see how I could do that authentically whilst buckling at the knees every time I saw a rainbow flag!
Then something huge shifted for me towards the end of 2011; a big part of the shift was that I decided that I’d had ENOUGH of this paralysing fear, another part was that I’d done a huge amount of work around self-acceptance. I was in the USA at the time and decided to put this ‘shift’ to the test: I joined a ‘Meetup’ group in Manhattan and then went to a gay theatre production with 40 other men who are attracted to men – none of whom I knew.
As the day drew nearer I did feel a slight unease but nothing like the panic I’d become so used to, and then, finally, it was time to head into the Big Apple.
It turned out exactly the way that I’d imagined it; I was relaxed and comfortable in my own skin and was able to be present without being self-consciousness, meet new people and generally have a good time. It may not sound like much to you, but for me it was one of my greatest personal victories ever!
That experience helped me to realise that the time had come for me to start creating my dream of being more active and prominent in the GLBT community and to offer support where it is needed; before I knew it, I had agreed to host a workshop in Fyfe for men who are attracted to men.
In a way it was my second ‘coming out’ – this time to the GLBT community itself, and I’m over the moon and delighted by the responses and support I’ve had from various people in this community, in recognition of the importance of offering this work to men at this time.
If you have ‘stuff’ about being a man who are attracted to men, or you know someone who does, please visit www.thepassionprojectformen.com/mam
The truth of course is that if you are a man, being attracted to men is as natural as being attracted to women. But while you feel uncomfortable about it on the inside, you will very likley attract situations and people that reject you; as within, so without.
The more totally accept and celebrate who you are with pride (and I mean ALL of you), the more you are able to release the shame and embarrassment around your attraction to other men, the more at ease you become with yourself, the better you feel about yourself and about life.
Whether you can attend this event or not does not matter. What matters is that you know that YOU matter, and that you’re OK the way you are, no matter who you are attracted to!
